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I knew I would be tired as a parent. I think anyone who thinks they are going to be this bright eyed, bushy tailed parent is being unrealistic. But I didn’t know I would be this tired. Like all the time.

I tried to sleep as much as possible when I was pregnant but it’s pretty hard when you are getting up to go to the bathroom a million times a night. Or when you wake up wondering about labour and can’t sleep because, well, the horror of impending labour and the unknown. Or just can’t sleep because you are a beached whale and so freakin uncomfortable.

I managed to get through Jack’s first weeks on pure adrenaline until I hit the wall and was a total zombie mom. That’s when I realized I needed to do what it took to survive and get some sleep which meant Jack slept with or on us pretty much all the time.

At 4 months and 15 lbs we sleep trained Jack which he took to like a champ. We implemented a dream feed and after a few weeks he was getting that night time feed but was sleeping through until 7am! Finally some sleep. Until my insomnia reared it’s ugly head. Jack was sleeping through and I was wide awake!

It seeks like it’s a cruel joke that as soon as they start getting into a good sleep pattern something throws a wrench in it.

-cutting teeth
-development leap
-first cold
-cutting another tooth
-travelling
-ear infection
-developmental leap again
-cough
-separation anxiety
-cough still
-cutting more teeth

And each time Jack started to sleep through again, I would be up in the middle of the night, thinking about finding a job, or how we are going to get him into a daycare in Vancouver or not thinking about anything in particular but just not being able to sleep.

And then Jack started his early morning wakings which he’s still doing. Oh hi 5am!! Good thing I’m used to waking up early but when you’ve been up a couple hours in the night, 5am is too early!

It’s funny (not really) that I’m writing this at 1:30am. Can’t sleep. Jack’s blissfully sleeping as is Dave next to me. It’s no surprise that after 40 years of not touching the stuff, I’m drinking coffee. That’s how tired I am.

Maybe one day, I will go back to going to bed at a big girl time but until then I am going to stick with my 8:30pm bedtime because as much as I’m tired, like all the time, I wouldn’t change a thing. Because I have Jack. And he’s worth every single sleepless minute.

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